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The lessons of life don’t always come from the end, particularly from a full life well lived. Mom decided not to write an ethical will. I think she figured that she had a full life and enough time to teach us her values without the need to write them down at the end. She knew my sister, Beck, and I would write something, and she trusted us to get it.
Beck clearly got it, because mom read it and approved. I couldn’t write until yesterday, so I hope I get it right. I’m sure my brother and sister will let me know if I don’t. After all, we’re siblings, we’re pretty good at that.
There are so many lessons but other than the obvious one… no wearing sneakers to temple… I’ll just talk about the most important, family.
First and foremost, it’s about family. My mother was blessed to have 3 sisters. They used to host each other for every holiday until our generation took over a few years back. Holidays are still celebrated with a house full of cousins. There are no invitations, just the knowledge that all are invited and if you’re coming you call ahead and ask what to bring. Thanksgiving or Passover with less than 20 just doesn’t seem like much of a holiday, and the closer we get to 30 the better it feels.
And it doesn’t matter how much you like them or not either. You can pick your friends, but not your family. But she, and we for the most part, like them all. A little warning to the person who comes as a date to Thanksgiving, you will end up a part of the family. That probably started when Henry brought Linda, then Martha brought Neal, and then many others over the years all the way until Sari brought Walter.
Mom loved family and she loved to be surrounded by them. And as much as she loved us, it was eventually all about her grandchildren. She always loved to see her grandchildren.
She didn’t open her eyes much on Friday, but when Noah walked in that morning she lit up and Saturday afternoon after Jonah’s audition for an acting class he came by and she lit up again. She wasn’t talking much, but when he said he made it, she smiled and clapped.
In the past month, even when her energy began to wane a bit, she had enough left to beat the pants off Daniel, Nina and me at a sports trivia game. And she always loved when they called to say “hi, tell her about their day, and we’ll see you soon”. She loved that they would actually talk to her on the phone. She loved her three grandsons, Jonah, Daniel and Noah and her only granddaughter, Nina.
And she loved her sisters too. Of course they fought at times, they were sisters. She shared many values with Mimi, and we often talk about her even though its 15 years now since she’s been gone.
There are plenty of nice places to live in
And then there is you, Mort. Twenty seven years ago you married mom. I’ll never forget the day… between Phil’s car being stolen, our bus breaking down and your daughter getting stranded in 3 feet of water on the Hutchinson River Parkway, sticking out her thumb, and getting picked up by someone who gave her a ride to the Temple in South Windsor. I guess that was just a taste of the adventures and travels you and Mom would enjoy together.
And of course there is us, her kids. Philip, Beck, Josh, as she used to yell when she wanted me, finally getting it right on the third try.
She was frugal. She put two pictures of Phil on the mantle because she didn’t have one of me and as babies we looked enough alike. But she was honest too. She then told everyone what she had done.
She loved photos and memories and knew the importance of rituals. Like our New Years eve ritual of taking a picture changing the calendar; or the annual photo of the kids lighting the menorah. I still have this year’s photo of that with you and the grandkids sitting right here in my phone.
There is a story in the Talmud about a great teacher. After the lesson, each of his students asked all the others present if it was ok with them that teacher was speaking directly him. So here and now, since I’m the youngest and I’m the one talking, I want to set the record straight. Mom loved me the best.
Oh yeah, Beck, she loved you the best too. And you Phil, she loved you the best too. She gave us all just what we needed. She didn’t always give us what we wanted, but she gave us what we needed.
She was a classic mom. None of this modern “my best friends are my kids” stuff. She knew that being a good parent didn’t mean being a best friend. It means preparing your kids for the world and sharing in their sorrows and joys.
Mom was like her own mother. She wanted to know everything that was going on with everyone, and she didn’t want to get too involved.
She showed us how to work hard. When we were in school, she was head librarian at
But while she could take care of herself, she decided she wanted to take care of Mort too. And she did. For 27 years. They traveled the world, explored nature, watched birds, and played tennis. My ex-wife, Barbara, and I never lost a mixed doubles tennis match to anyone under 70. That’s right, Mom and Mort were the only ones to beat us.
Mom took particular pride in that her three kids, no not three, in truth there were four of us. She loved Phil’s wife Rhonda like her own too. She took particular pride in that the four of us have grown so close and support each other through thick and thin. Because it’s all about family. We got it mom.
Finally it would be impossible for me or any of my siblings to talk about family and the last few months of Mom’s life without mentioning Andrea, Mort’s daughter. She’s never lived nearby and we never got to know her until the past few months. I’m sure Mom would want me to say this, Andrea, and I’m sure you don’t. You are an amazing person. You were there for Mom and for us just when we needed you and we can not imagine having gone through this time without you. Thank you for being there for all of us. She loved you and we do too.
So that’s it. There are so many lessons learned, and stories to tell, but none more important than family. We got that Mom and we all love you and we miss you.
One Comment
Your mother’s legacy is a great one…it speaks of her children and grandchildren who loved her deeply and joyfully in life and those who now remember and hear her heart songs. The words written by Rebecca and Joshua speak of what a mother should be to her children—a role model, a beacon…and a life force. You have learned much from a great woman and a great mother.
I have been thinking of all of you this week. I have learned from my life experiences, that if we wish to embrace life and love as fully as possible, we must be able to embrace all their facets, the comfort and the sadness and all the rest. The sadness is hard, I know.
The sun is shining this today and the air is warming after so many cold wintry days. I know you will feel your mother in the warmth of the March sun that comes so clearly through the tree branches still bared of their leaves. You will hear her voice in the gust of the wind, in the bend and sway of the branches. She will be present in the surprise flower that pops up in the warm, sunny unprotected spot in your garden. She will be with you when you long for her presence, but even better, what she taught you will be with your children—and with their children forever. It is as it should be.
In the enduring substance of life she will guide you all. What greater gift could there be? Not one I can think of….
Eva
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